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02 May 2009 @ 09:05 pm
Rorschach: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual  
Because I'm sick of trying to write grimdark fic.

Inspired by Theresa Green's Owners Manual series and this.



====

Thank you for purchasing this POST-ROCHE RORSCHACH PORTABLE VIGILANTE UNIT.

The RORSCHACH is fun-sized for user convenience and ruthless efficiency.

SPECIAL FEATURES:
Protects your home.
Fetches your newspaper.
Keeps you safe.
Frightens your neighbours.
Tests your security.
Investigates possible homosexuals.
Mends your clothing.
Fights crime.
Murders people.

If placed in the same room as the NITE OWL model, the RORSCHACH will manfully shake his hand until forcibly removed.

SPECIFICATIONS:
Full name: Walter 'Rorschach' Kovacs.
Height: 5'6" in bare feet.
Weight: Surprisingly heavy.
Accessories: Bottle of aftershave, hoverbike, meat cleaver, journal, grappling gun, several packets of 'Sweet Chariot' chewing sugar.
Clothing: Pinstripe suit, shirt, stained trenchcoat, dapper cravat, spotless gloves, mask, fedora, grey underpants (potential biohazard), elevator shoes.
Family Members: N/A

MAINTENANCE:
The RORSCHACH is capable of eating anything, from cold beans to raw eggs to two day chow mein found in a dumpster. The RORSCHACH may exhibit a preference for sweet foods. When not in use, it is recommended that you store the RORSCHACH somewhere dark and quiet. The RORSCHACH is small and packs away easily for storage.

CLEANING PROCEDURES:
N/A

DO'S AND DON'TS:
DO NOT attempt sexual intercourse with the RORSCHACH.
DO NOT expose the RORSCHACH to direct sunlight.
DO NOT attempt to remove the mask from the RORSCHACH.
DO NOT allow the RORSCHACH to consume more than five sugar cubes per hour.
DO NOT hug the RORSCHACH.
DO NOT refer to the RORSCHACH as Walter.
DO NOT mention the RORSCHACH's mother.
DO NOT make direct eye contact with the RORSCHACH.
DO NOT touch the RORSCHACH.
DO NOT immerse the RORSCHACH in water.
DO NOT assault the RORSCHACH with fruit.
DO NOT mention the RORSCHACH's personal odour.
DO NOT ask the RORSCHACH to save you.
DO NOT lie to the RORSCHACH.
DO NOT run from the RORSCHACH.
DO NOT attempt to hide from the RORSCHACH.
DO NOT ask for the RORSCHACH's autograph.

DO keep hands away from the RORSCHACH at all times.

    Discontinue use of the RORSCHACH if any of the following occur:
  • Broken fingers

  • Nausea

  • Third degree burns

  • Nihilism

  • Steve Ditko

  • Blindness in one eye



FAQ:

Q. My RORSCHACH sometimes says things that are contradictory. Is this a programming error?
A. This is not a programming error, but a unique facet of his personality. We like to think of it as an unofficial Special Feature.

Q. My RORSCHACH smells terrible. Is this normal?
A. It is perfectly normal for some odour to be present. This indicates that RORSCHACH is functioning at maximum efficiency and is not wasting energy on trivial matters such as personal hygiene.

Q. My RORSCHACH has voluntarily removed his mask and is openly weeping. What does this mean?
A. This indicates that the unit is nearing the end of its working life and should be replaced as soon as possible.

Q. Is RORSCHACH compatible with other products, such as The Magical Healing Cock(tm)?
A. Unfortunately, RORSCHACH is not compatible: attempts to use The Magical Healing Cock(tm) on RORSCHACH may result in permanent harm to the device and user.

TROUBLESHOOTING:

PROBLEM: My RORSCHACH refuses to deliberately kill people. (Hospitalising and/or killing them by accident as a result of head trauma is a-ok!)
SOLUTION: It is likely that you have been issued a PRE-ROCHE RORSCHACH by mistake. We recommend that you exchange him for a POST-ROCHE RORSCHACH, or phone 1-877-BUTTERFLY for our free do-it-yourself PTSD kit.

PROBLEM: My RORSCHACH only has a hundred-yard stare, as opposed to the standard thousand-yard one.
SOLUTION: Do not worry, simply immerse the RORSCHACH in the filth and depravity of the criminal underworld and frequently remind him that there is no God.

PROBLEM: I suspect that my RORSCHACH is severely depressed and sexually frustrated. What should I do?
SOLUTION: RORSCHACH is a single-minded agent of justice, and has transcended petty human concerns such the need for happiness and/or physical intimacy. If you find your RORSCHACH savagely hitting a punchbag while wearing nothing but his mask, do not be alarmed. Do not mention the subject at a later date. You saw nothing.

PROBLEM: My RORSCHACH eats with his mouth open and it is disgusting, seriously. Goddamn.
SOLUTION: This is normal behaviour. For optimal user comfort, we recommend that you do not look directly at the RORSCHACH while he is eating, and avoid giving him difficult foods, such as spaghetti.

WARRANTY
Each model comes with a 45 year warranty. Warranty is void if exposed to Cornelian Dilemma.

CAUTION: Rorschach may accelerate to dangerous speeds and soliloquize loquaciously about Egyptians.

KEEP RORSCHACH AWAY FROM DOCTOR MANHATTAN AT ALL TIMES. PROLONGED CONTACT MAY RESULT IN EXPLOSION.
 
 
 
quietprofanity: Mr. A/Lewis Blackquietprofanity on May 2nd, 2009 10:19 pm (UTC)
Oh, that was great. Favorite parts were "Steve Ditko" and this:

Q. Is RORSCHACH compatible with other products, such as The Magical Healing Cock(tm)?
A. Unfortunately, RORSCHACH is not compatible: attempts to use The Magical Healing Cock(tm) on RORSCHACH may result in permanent harm to the device and user.


Bwa-ha! Even as a Dan/Rorschach slasher I find that hilarious. Great job.
Lilsi: Window Rorschachlilsi on May 2nd, 2009 10:35 pm (UTC)
Q. My RORSCHACH has voluntarily removed his mask and is openly weeping. What does this mean?
A. This indicates that the unit is nearing the end of its working life and should be replaced as soon as possible.


Ok i shouldnt laugh at this as it is very sad. But omg love it haha what a great little FAQ to put in. hehe. This was really funny, loved it and a great idea! Well done :D
firefly! that's your commanding officer!: watchmen: rorschach maskunderdebate on May 2nd, 2009 10:45 pm (UTC)
That last line.

brb dying of laughter.
madmorgan89madmorgan89 on May 2nd, 2009 11:32 pm (UTC)
These things make me laugh like a barnyard animal.
Not all those who wander are lost.: JDM - shifty smilemizzykitty on May 2nd, 2009 11:48 pm (UTC)
*giggles* Heehee! That was funny! =D
両性的 (りょうせいてき)ryouseiteki on May 3rd, 2009 12:15 am (UTC)
I'm loling so hard it feels like I'm about to cough up a lung. xD

Some of this is inherently sad, but it makes me snicker anyway. And for that I love you. :D
i was always like thisbionic on May 3rd, 2009 12:49 am (UTC)
LOL that was so awesome and clever and funny.
whystherum on May 3rd, 2009 08:06 pm (UTC)
hahaha
buahahahahaaaa

This is genius.
madamotaku: Watchmen: Rorschachmadamotaku on May 4th, 2009 06:08 am (UTC)
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! I hope we eventually wind up with a full set of these for WM.

Entered into memories. *ding*
42_42_56442_42_564 on May 6th, 2009 07:41 pm (UTC)
XDD that was by far the funniest thing I've ever read! My EYES are watering and my cheeks hurt, I had to stop every few sentences or I thought I would sufficate
Saucy Wenchsaucywench4523 on May 12th, 2009 01:22 am (UTC)
"PROBLEM: I suspect that my RORSCHACH is severely depressed and sexually frustrated. What should I do?
SOLUTION: RORSCHACH is a single-minded agent of justice, and has transcended petty human concerns such the need for happiness and/or physical intimacy. If you find your RORSCHACH savagely hitting a punchbag while wearing nothing but his mask, do not be alarmed. Do not mention the subject at a later date. You saw nothing."

Okay, I am not usually one for fanfic or slash -- but goofy stuff like this is my one weakness. And I have a sinking feeling that I am going to be remembering this bit and giggling like a lunatic at random moments for at least a week. EPIC win!
gothic_tamponsgothic_tampons on May 12th, 2009 09:49 pm (UTC)
Q. Is RORSCHACH compatible with other products, such as The Magical Healing Cock(tm)?
A. Unfortunately, RORSCHACH is not compatible: attempts to use The Magical Healing Cock(tm) on RORSCHACH may result in permanent harm to the device and user.

This made me happy.

PROBLEM: I suspect that my RORSCHACH is severely depressed and sexually frustrated. What should I do?
SOLUTION: RORSCHACH is a single-minded agent of justice, and has transcended petty human concerns such the need for happiness and/or physical intimacy. If you find your RORSCHACH savagely hitting a punchbag while wearing nothing but his mask, do not be alarmed. Do not mention the subject at a later date. You saw nothing.

So did this. xD
poemwithnorhyme: Twilight: Fuck Nopoemwithnorhyme on June 3rd, 2009 02:05 pm (UTC)
... LOL! This is hilarious. Oh my god yes. I have now saved it in my memories.
Patent Counsel for Adrian Veidt and Tony Stark: Watchmen Rorschach Somebody Knowsakemi42 on August 7th, 2009 09:54 pm (UTC)
LOL! This is great. Is there any chance we could have your permission to somehow work this into a skit for watchwomen? Credit would be given of course.
Negative Nancyscarlet_carsons on August 8th, 2009 01:52 pm (UTC)
Sure!
Glitter mixed with rock and roll~: 9doesnotwantladysylvan on September 19th, 2009 05:07 am (UTC)
My...face...hurts...from laughing. XD

Also, I'm now imagining Ror talking in the third person. "Do NOT touch the Rorschach."
Dessie Octavia: Silhouettedessieoctavia on July 29th, 2010 03:52 am (UTC)
LOL!